Funny Quotes

"I worked in a health food store once. A guy came in and asked me, “If I melt dry ice, can I take a bath without getting wet?"

It's only because of their stupidity that they're able to be so sure of themselves.

Doctor, my leg hurts. What can I do? The doctor says, Limp!

Henry Youngman

Funny Quotes

Doctor

Never underestimate the power of funny, it moves mountains.

"Pain and foolishness lead to great bliss and complete knowledge, for Eternal Wisdom created nothing under the sun in vain. "

It's not true that married men live longer than single men. It only seems longer.

Henry Youngman

Funny Quotes

My history teacher was so old, he taught from memory.

My wife is a light eater. As soon as it's light, she starts to eat.

My best friend ran away with my wife, and let me tell you, I miss him.

Henry Youngman

Funny Quotes

Wife

I do remember, and then when i try to remember,i forget.

"Sometimes people let the same problem make them miserable for years when they could just say, So what. That's one of my favorite things to say. So what. "

Andy Warhol

Funny Quotes

This ain't fun. But you watch me, I'll get it done.

Jackie Robinson

Funny Quotes

Reality

"A drunk was in front of a judge. The judge says You've been brought here for drinking. The drunk says Okay, let's get started. "

Henry Youngman

Funny Quotes

If I can't get the girl, at least give me more money.

Imagine how weird phones would look if your mouth was nowhere near your ears.

Steven Wright

Funny Quotes

"When you are courting a nice girl an hour seems like a second. When you sit on a red-hot cinder a second seems like an hour. That's relativity. "

Albert Einstein

Motivational Quotes

"I have a hobby. I have the world’s largest collection of sea shells. I keep it scattered on beaches all over the world. Maybe you’ve seen some of it."

Steven Wright

Funny Quotes

Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.

Steven Wright

Motivational Quotes

Walking

One of the advantages of being disorganized is that one is always having surprising discoveries.

I believe in movements, collective action to influence the future.

Common sense is one of the most unused commodities available to man.

Life would be tragic if it weren't funny.

"When I was little I would always stand in front of a mirror and cross my eyes. Then my mother would come in and say, Stop that, nothing will ever come of it! "

Carol Burnett

Funny Quotes

The funny thing about facing imminent death is that it really snaps everything else into perspective.

James Patterson

Funny Quotes

Reality

The only difference between Hitler and Bush is that Hitler was elected.

"Everybody I know who is funny, it's in them. You can teach timing, or some people are able to tell a joke, though I don't like to tell jokes. But I think you have to be born with a sense of humor and a sense of timing."

Carol Burnett

Funny Quotes

funny Quotes, Read the Best Quotes about funny

What's so funny 'bout peace, love, and world destruction?

"I worked in a health food store once. A guy came in and asked me, “If I melt dry ice, can I take a bath without getting wet?"

It's only because of their stupidity that they're able to be so sure of themselves.

Doctor, my leg hurts. What can I do? The doctor says, Limp!

Never underestimate the power of funny, it moves mountains.

"Pain and foolishness lead to great bliss and complete knowledge, for Eternal Wisdom created nothing under the sun in vain. "

I’ve heard tell that what you imagine sometimes comes true.

There’s nothing funnier than the human animal.

I stole her heart away and put ice in its place.

It's not true that married men live longer than single men. It only seems longer.

My history teacher was so old, he taught from memory.

My wife is a light eater. As soon as it's light, she starts to eat.

My best friend ran away with my wife, and let me tell you, I miss him.

I do remember, and then when i try to remember,i forget.

"Sometimes people let the same problem make them miserable for years when they could just say, So what. That's one of my favorite things to say. So what. "

This ain't fun. But you watch me, I'll get it done.

"A drunk was in front of a judge. The judge says You've been brought here for drinking. The drunk says Okay, let's get started. "

If I can't get the girl, at least give me more money.

Imagine how weird phones would look if your mouth was nowhere near your ears.

"When you are courting a nice girl an hour seems like a second. When you sit on a red-hot cinder a second seems like an hour. That's relativity. "

"I have a hobby. I have the world’s largest collection of sea shells. I keep it scattered on beaches all over the world. Maybe you’ve seen some of it."

Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.

One of the advantages of being disorganized is that one is always having surprising discoveries.

I believe in movements, collective action to influence the future.

Common sense is one of the most unused commodities available to man.

Life would be tragic if it weren't funny.

"When I was little I would always stand in front of a mirror and cross my eyes. Then my mother would come in and say, Stop that, nothing will ever come of it! "

The funny thing about facing imminent death is that it really snaps everything else into perspective.

The only difference between Hitler and Bush is that Hitler was elected.

"Everybody I know who is funny, it's in them. You can teach timing, or some people are able to tell a joke, though I don't like to tell jokes. But I think you have to be born with a sense of humor and a sense of timing."